REVIEWS Archive

  • 030/08/2014

    Diversions – 1976 / Director: Derek Ford

    What would Robin Askwith say? This is a 1970s British sex film which contains no hint at all of window cleaners, taxi drivers, driving instructors or pop performers. Instead we…

  • We are introduced to the fleeting, yet rich eighty minutes of Suzhou River by a narrator. Very common, also appropriately noir for the mixing of petty crime with drama and...127/08/2014

    Celluloid Wunderkammer – Suzhou River – 2000 / Director: Lou Ye

    We are introduced to the fleeting, yet rich eighty minutes of Suzhou River by a narrator. Very common, also appropriately noir for the mixing of petty crime with drama and…

  • 023/08/2014

    Female Market: Imprisonment – 1986 / Director: Yasuaki Uegaki

    It comes to something when a film which is only just over an hour in length and which features several scenes of pretty girls being terrorised and raped is dull….

  • Straight off the bat, I’ve never read the original 2000AD comics. I have read comics with Judge Dredd as the star, but I suspect they were the more children friendly...020/08/2014

    The Worst of the Worst: Judge Dredd – 1995 / Director: Danny Cannon

    Straight off the bat, I’ve never read the original 2000AD comics. I have read comics with Judge Dredd as the star, but I suspect they were the more children friendly…

  • 018/08/2014

    Carry On Camping – 1969 / Director: Gerald Thomas

    Oh the middle class angst! the first world problem of a camping holiday in Salisbury when what you’d really hoped for was a couple of weeks in Monte Carlo! Such…

  • 016/08/2014

    Hot Bed of Sex – 1972 / Director: Silvio Amadio

    Hot Bed of Sex is probably better known under the title Amuck, but that makes it sound like a German shitting video, so fuck Amuck, we’re reviewing it under this,…

  • 013/08/2014

    Os Trapalhões na Guerra dos Planetas (Brazilian Star Wars) – 1978 / Director: Adriano Stuart

    What was Star Wars missing? George Lucas reckoned it needed a bit of fan-pissing-off CGI and so on. The Brazilians reckoned it needed car chases, Chewbacca smoking a cigarette and…

  • 010/08/2014

    Spike Drink Gang – 1995 / Director: Bosco Lam

    Here we have a cheesy comedy rammed (ahem) into a sleazy rape flick. The opening scenes suggest a nice slice of Cat III goodness – a dodgy gang are injecting…

  • 009/08/2014

    Joe Kidd – 1972 / Director: John Sturges

    I watched Joe Kidd shortly after watching the new print of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly on blu-ray. Needless to say, Joe didn’t hold up too well. There’s…

  • 006/08/2014

    Avenging Force – 1986 / Director: Sam Firstenberg

    How can you go wrong with a film like this? Directed by the man behind Breakdance 2: Electric Boogaloo and reuniting the only-slightly-homoerotic team from American Ninja, Avenging Force starts…

  • 003/08/2014

    Vampira – 1974 / Director: Clive Donner

    “If this is progress, I don’t think I like it…” Clive Donner‘s Blaxploitation Horror Comedy Vampira, is so carried away with being, separately, a Blaxploitation picture, a Horror movie and…

  • 002/08/2014

    Confessions of a Danish Cover Girl – 1974 / Director: Knud Leif Thomsen

    I’m looking at your big, beautiful cunt. My cock is just like an iron rod. With a title like that, you’d expect this to be a trouser-dropping farce starring Robin…

  • 001/08/2014

    Medic: Walk with Lions – 1955 / Director: Ted Post

    And so we come to that glorious moment in The John Saxon Project – the very first credited role for our main man John Saxon, WAY back in 1955 as lead…

  • 031/07/2014

    Big Zapper – 1973 / Director: Lindsay Shonteff

    Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, and a fucking fine sunbeam I’ll be. It seems ironic that this most British of action films was directed by a Canadian and starred…

  • 030/07/2014

    The Worse of the Worse: Super Mario Bros. – 1993 / Directors: Annabel Jankel and Rocky Morton

    Remember, trust the fungus. It’s pointless to say this is a bastardisation of the legendary Nintendo videogame franchise. When the Mushroom Kingdom – bright, colourful, housing homicidal Mantango mushrooms and…

  • 027/07/2014

    Sixty Million Dollar Man – 1995 / Director: Raymond Yip Wai-Man

    My fellow’s ass was almost stabbed by that hand. It really is impossible to dislike a film which references Pulp Fiction (twice), Die Hard 2, Terminator 2, The Mask AND…

  • 025/07/2014

    Are You Being Served? – 1977 / Director: Bob Kellett

    Could you just hold my pussy? There must be fans of this tripe out there somewhere. I know I am! Set in the world where those giant stores stocked everything;…

  • 023/07/2014

    Adventures of a Plumber’s Mate – 1978 / Director: Stanley Long

    Do to me what you will. You might wait ’til I get me shirt off! You know you’re not in for a subtle film when, in the opening scene, our…

  • 021/07/2014

    Keep It Up Downstairs – 1976 / Director: Robert Young

    I found the correct opening and then lost control of the ball. Keep It Up Downstairs manages to be the unwitting link to the three great obsessions of 70s Britain:…

  • 019/07/2014

    Bless This House – 1972 / Director: Gerald Thomas

     Cor blimey, what’s the use? This is absolutely fantastic stuff. It must be shown on TV every few weeks, and I watch it every time. I even, gulp, paid cash…

  • 018/07/2014

    Celluloid Wunderkammer: 2046 – 2004 / Director: Wong Kar-Wai

    Do you know what people did in the old days when they had secrets they didn’t want to share? They’d climb a mountain, find a tree, carve a hole in…

  • 017/07/2014

    Rock ‘n’ Roll Frankenstein – 1999 / Director: Brian O’Hara

    I give you the greatest Rock ‘n’ Roll stars in the world and THIS is the shit you make out of them? If you’re Jewish, gay, an Elvis fan or…

  • 015/07/2014

    What’s Up Nurse! – 1977 / Director: Derek Ford

    You stupid girl, I told you to prick his boil! You know that you’re not in the upper echelons of comedy gold when the funniest scene in the film is…

  • 013/07/2014

    Thundercrack! – 1975 / Director: Curt McDowell

    What can you say about a film like this? A heady combination of The House on Haunted Hill, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane, The Night of the Living Dead…

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